Michael born in 1960 had two brothers; Steven Paul born 1962 and Daniel Robert born 1964. They were of good weight, Steven long and lanky and blond and Daniel looking just like Michael at birth.
Steven died of Hyaline Membrane disease at 3 days old and Daniel at several hours.
It was more than 20 years that I could speak of these deaths. One was on a green-yellow spring day and the other at the moment music from a band shell across from my hospital room started playing "Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory>>>"
Terrible memories:
We were not prepared for death in those early days. We were so shocked that we were not able to bury Steven ourselves. I don't know why this was. I know we were 'young and poor' but somehow we were in some sort of a nightmare. My parents were also so grieved, they didn't know what to do for us either. Since we were in a Catholic Hospital, Mary Immaculate in Jamaica, Queens, it was suggested that Steven be buried by the church. . We had St. Vincent De Paul bury our child and were unable to find that grave until many years later. Daniel Robert was also buried by St. Vincent De Paul. . It was as though we could not recover even though we were 'doing life' on a daily basis. I still don't understand and almost feel guilty telling this. Why couldn't we bury our own children? I have no way to reconcile this and can not see any wisdom revisiting tit any more. I'll never understand and never know.
The hardest times were a first snowfall wondering where the graves were. Was snow softly sprinkling on that earth?. I still remember the moment, at my desk near the window in an apartment in Wantaqh feeling that.
I dreamed of the graves ....the headstones were pink. Twenty years later before I could move to Florida, I finally found them. They were buried in St. Johns Cemetery in Queens. They were buried in a common grave for "Children of St. Vincent De Paul" and had a large PINK headstone. I have all the paperwork in my 'valuable' file which will just be tossed when I die, I'm sure. *Thank you Leon for helping that to that happen.
In looking back at that time, I did not have any emotion but grief. I did not blame God, or feel angry, just inconsolably sad. I remember the Kennedy's having an infant who died. I thought that even with all their money and power, they too, had this terrible grief.
I had finally put much of it aside in a quiet place when my family informed me that my sweet niece lost her lovely newborn daughter. They asked me to please write her and/or call her about what my experience had been. Even now, this is a terrible sadness that comes over me. I had to go to my desk and sit bringing back all those terrible moments to try and write a letter to her to comfort her. I am crying here as I write this and remember that time as well. It does never leave you. It fades, but it can be conjured up and I don't wish to do this ever again.
Sometimes I wonder if we are 'shocked into life' as we are born. I look back and see myself, not feeling who I am but seeing myself as a little girl, a young woman, a middle aged woman and now suddenly since I turned 75, an older woman. It's like a movie. Interesting, strange, sad, happy, all of the above. Just a movie.
The diabetic angle on this is through all of it, the insulin, blood tests, medications and every day drudges continued as all this movie ran. Fortunately for diabetics, much of the childbearing has improved and many babies are able survive their first weeks without succumbing to this Hyaline Membrane.
Note: After sitting with this post and stressfully remembering and finally getting done with it, decided to close down but it's time for a blood glucose check. I took it and it's 320! One hour ago, it was 148. SURE PROOF THAT STRESS HORMONES HAVE A LOT TO DO WITH HEALTH! How the heck does one avoid stress any better than I have? I exercise, take time for contemplation that is peaceful but the everyday items that come upon one, can't be avoided. Guess I HAVE done pretty well considering I've been doing this for 70 years, since age 5!
I do remember when my mother was dying and I went to see her, not knowing I would not see her again. My blood sugar rose to a 400 whenever I visited her. She did die that night and I did have many regrets not being with her at the last moments f her life.
Shutting down and saying good night and talk with you again.
*Leon was a man I danced with for a few years. I told him about looking for my sons' graves as he had shared about his son who died and was buried with his wife. I told him of contacting the Catholic Church and was told "
All records of that time are down in the archives and not put on computerized disks. They're all paper."
I did not know Leon was a 'monied member' of the church and sometime later I received a message from one of the nuns of the local church telling me where my sons were buried. Leon was one of those angels who came into my life . I doubt he will ever see this as he was older than I at the time. *
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